Meandering Back

When I was younger, I would play a game with myself - I'd memorize license plates and people's features in the hopes that something major was about to happen and the police would need an eyewitness. I wanted to be that eyewitness. Now, I also enjoyed reading a book full of crime scene photos to try and figure out what happened, so perhaps I was a bit preoccupied with justice from a young age ;) That, or I was just a weirdo. But anyway. 

(Now, before you say, "Why would any parent let their kid read such a thing?!" - because you know you're thinking it - let me tell you that I'm not even sure where the book came from, or that my parents knew I had it on my bookshelves in my closet. Yes, shelves. I had many, many books. So they can't be blamed for my interesting reading habits.)

I could memorize phone numbers after hearing or seeing them once. It was no trouble for me to find my way places after one visit (which, thankfully, I can still do most of the time. Being blessed with a sense of direction is nothing to sneeze at, trust me). People's names and faces were easily connected in my mind, along with what they were wearing, where they stood and even how they spoke.

Honestly, I had a gift.

And yet, somewhere between then and now I've lost it. Gone. Never to return. Not sure if it's my old age (I mean, seriously, I'm practically hobbling along) or the fact that I've given birth to two small humans, but my brain has left the building. Let's blame this one on the kids. During both pregnancies I'd lovingly refer to my children as parasites. Dan didn't like that so much, but he didn't experience the mind-numbing effects that a pregnancy can bring on - exhaustion from sharing all you have with another being, and slowly having your brains drip down the umbilical cord. This has led me to a theory that the reason we have generational sin is because as our dear children are in-utero, they are able to basically download all our past transgressions and store them for future use. Whether it be a stubborn and contrite spirit, or a general mischievousness, those kids have learned it all from sucking out my memories.

Anyway, scientific hypothesis aside, suffice it to say that this old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be. And somehow this makes me develop a restlessness like never before. I've always been a fairly restless person. I'm not the type to want to stay home all the time. Let me go, let me out, let me run free across the mountains and prairies! I could not wait to leave for college and explore the world. Every other week as a child I'd want to be something else, go somewhere else, find something new to discover. Basically I was, and still am, a career schizophrenic. Truly I think there are so many jobs I'd love (as long as they allow creative freedom and don't make me sit behind a desk 9-5).

I was reminded of this last night. For the past few days I've been messing around with different signs, cards and other goodies that let me flex any creative muscles my taxed brain has left. Whenever I start getting involved in projects like this, I think to myself, "Self, you could have a lot of fun as a graphic designer." You can also insert fabric, stationery (but definitely not stationary), cake or just about any art for graphic in that sentence.

Then, I watched an interesting program on KET about an anthropologist named Melville Herskovits. I don't remember hearing about him before, but it's entirely possible I spent a semester on him. (Please see previous paragraphs for explanations as to how this is so) He studied under Franz Boas, an anthropologist who is considered the founding father of American anthropology, and someone who is near and dear to my heart. (Not like that hag Margaret Mead, but we won't go into that here, since most of you are already lost I'm sure) At any rate, it made my heart ache to be back learning under Dr. Hummer and Dr. Meneses. I think the time I spent at Eastern in the Anthropology & Missions dept. was one of the best of my life. The friends in those classes are on my mind often, and just bring a smile to my face. Watching just made me so wistful, and I began to think of all the different paths my life could have taken if I had made different choices to pursue academia more.

But my life didn't take those paths. There are no alternate universes. (I have never ever seen an episode of Lost in my life, but noticed a lot of Facebook status updates today regarding this show and the idea of alternate universes. Any references made in the comments will be utterly lost on me - no pun intended) And I think part of the working out, as it were, of my restless mind and nature is one of the reasons I so often fail when I set goals for myself. I get bored, distracted and forgetful, and abandon half finished projects for the next thing.

Lately I've been so busy, then sick, that I've had nearly no opportunity to run or work out. And I find myself half wanting to head over the the track, and half wanting to just say, "Oh forget it, it's only a fun run, so I can walk that whole thing". That, however, would mean I had once again failed to finish, and let my restless (and yet lazy) spirit take the victory.

So tomorrow I'm going running. (Tonight we have potluck at church, and I've missed two weeks in a row already. Since this is my primary social event of the week, I just can't miss again or I'll go crazy). And this weekend I'll go running.

I've got to give focus to the wanderlust of my heart. Or it may just wander off on to another trail again, and we can't have that now.

Busy Bodies

I've had lots of plans to write here, but life has been really busy, mostly because Dan has been really busy. It's a wonderful blessing that he has a secure, well-paying job, but it'd be nice if they didn't rely on him so much! He's the go-to guy on things he doesn't even work on, and is often called on to fix things other people just can't figure out (despite it being their job to figure it out). So most days this past week were spent going in early and coming home late. Which meant I had lots and lots of time with the kids. All this led to pure exhaustion on both our parts.

So I didn't get to run or work out much.

That's what I was trying to say.

On Sunday, we went to the pool down the street for a family swim time, and apparently our whole day had the same idea! On the way in, I slipped and fell (it was a rainy day). Since I was holding Eben, I pretty much let my one knee take the fall, and now it is a-hurtin'. I find it funny that injuries tend to hurt more a day or two later than the initial incident; I guess because it has time to swell and all that.

I wanted to take a chance to thank all of you who have been praying for me, particularly in regards to my spirit of despondency. Despite the physical exhaustion of this past week, I've been feeling much more joyful and content in spirit. I know this is a direct result of prayers on my behalf because there is no other reason, and many to the contrary, why I should now be less melancholy.

So thank you! And here's hoping I'll be able to keep up a bit better now that Dan has solved the world's problems... Ok, at least at work. (for people half-way around the world)

Birds

If there is one thing I can say about my daughter, two-year old A.M., it's that she has an incredible amount of passion. Some may deem it the obsessions of a two year old mind, and they'd be right, but it seems to work itself out in every facet of her life. There is little that she does not approach with gusto and nearly complete abandon; and once she gets an idea in her head, it's there for the long haul. I assure you that this is a blessing and a curse for me, her mother.

We made a conscious choice not to push Santa in this house. He isn't banned outright, but the kids don't receive presents from him, and we don't bring him up. But there are many influences on a small child, including church, TV and stores. Even walks around the neighborhood. So these past few weeks have been full of "Santa!" and eventually, "Santa gone. Oh no. Santa...?" as neighbors slowly remove their decorations from the front doors and walks of their homes. I remind her that he lives far away and can only visit people once a year. This has seemed to suffice.

There are other obsession, however, that I am more glad to feed. Like birds. A.M. is fascinated by and delighted with birds in all shapes and sizes. Birds fly, birds hop, birds tweet (though not on Twitter, as far as I know) and, perhaps most importantly, birds EAT. A few weeks ago, prompted by a visit to a friend's home where she helped refill the feeders and by the disappearing "berries" (really bradford pears) on our trees, A.M. and I took a trip to Lowes and picked up some bird feeders for our home. The excursion alone was filled with more than enough excitement as she was overcome by dozens of styles of bird feeders, and the accompanying seeds. I'm sure more than a few customers could hear the squealed delights of "BIRDS! BIRD FEEDERS! BIRDS EAT!" echoing through the high ceilings of the warehouse. You can bet those feeders went up the minute we got home.

Despite a slow start, I can assure you those feeders have been visited by a great many birds, and each visit has been reported by our budding ornithologist. A.M. is barely awake before she speeds over to her window, which has a prime view of the feeders (naturally), and declares that there are in fact breakfasters enjoying suet & seeds, or thistles. Earlier this week there were at least a half dozen small finches munching away on the thistle seeds, making the feeder seem more like a springtime beehive than a winter eatery. That was a great day.

Those $15 (or whatever small amount) we spent on the supplies has brought unending joy to not only A.M., but our whole family. There is much delight in a parent's heart when your child discovers new and wonderful things in creation, and I can assure you that E.F., our 6 month old, is delighted in his big sister's ecstasy as well. (Well, if his constant smiling and reaching for her are any indication, maybe you just need to trust me on this one)

And there are many more things that bring her glee in this world - snow, for one (makes her northern born parents proud!), and eating fruits of all kinds, trees, running, walking (though not as much as running), riding in the car, friends and Mamaws and Papas. Of course those passions do turn into bad habits as well - the realization that a mobile little brother means perhaps more sharing is in her future. A.M. is not always a willing participant in this sharing thing, and her passion to be master of all exhibits itself in some ugly encounters that often end in tears and time outs.

So why do I share these seemingly mundane stories? Well, because we all have passion, and yet these can turn against us in the worst way. One of my passions in life is food. I adore food - buying it, preparing it, eating it, sharing it with others. One of my other passions is to be lazy at a great many things. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can busy myself right up into a first class whirlwind, but I can find myself complacent and languid just as easily. And so here is my problem: The two passions I find myself drawn to are not conducive to a life of wholeness.

I have a great confession I need to make: I lack all self-control when it comes to food. I will, and have, eat myself into a state of over-stuffed, bloated and nearly sickening proportions in a quest to just have another taste. Ask my mother what happens each time she cooks a pot of mashed potatoes. The poor woman should have invested in pad-locked cookery for such occasions. Or, even more, ask my husband how I respond to an unending supply of french fries (such as the constant refill you can get at places like Red Robin, one of my favorite restaurants). I would rather feel sick than not eat a few more fries. There is something severely wrong with that. It doesn't extend to all foods, but I find myself acting this way with most meals. I have often joked with my husband that I lack the chemical switch in my brain that functions as the "You're Full. Stop Eating" alarm. There is, of course, such a disorder, I saw it on Discovery or something like that, but I doubt I've really got the disease. It seems to me it comes down to simple lack of will to what is best and right - selfishness in hyperbolic mode; selfishness which brings me no gain, but really my own destruction. And ultimately, isn't that what all selfishness does?

The Bible has a great many things to say against gluttony, selfishness and laziness - all factors in my struggle to become healthy. And I know that any attempt I make in which I say, "I can do this! I can beat this stuff," will undoubtedly end in failure. Because I can not do this. I can not beat it on my own. If 27 years of living has not already taught me that, then The Word certainly does. I know people so readily claim verses such as Philippians 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9 and Ephesians 3:16 (to name a very few), as great beacons of hope in times of trial and tribulation. And for good reason. There is no doubt that the Lord is faithful and it is only in the gift of his Spirit and strength we are able to do any thing whatsoever. Drawing a breath is impossible were it not for the mercy of the Lord to grant that breath to the recipient.

And yet. And yet.

I find it hard to just snatch verses from the Bible as if they are some kind of lucky rabbit's foot for my gain. Perhaps it the old adage beaten into me since Teen Doctrine in 8th grade with Pastor Howard - "Context is King." It seems strange to me to just grab a snippet and say, "Ah-ha! Here, here at last, the answer I have long sought for!" I know, I know, it's my contrary nature, too. I don't want things to be easy. But as I look at His Word as a whole, I know and I see and I taste that it is good, and that it does in fact reveal to me that there is no way to be redeemed but by his precious mercy and grace. Through grace alone have I been saved, not of myself, so that I may not boast; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me.

So I have decided that running is not merely a physical battle of wills - me versus my own body's weaknesses. Nor is it a purely mental battle - me versus the inner voices of nightmares working against me. But it is also a spiritual battle in which I have to give over the selfishness, laziness and passions which are of the flesh. It is, in fact, all three of these things working in concert.

I'm what you might call a "whole-ist." I see things as vast webs of interconnectedness that can't be extracted or untangled by simply pulling one. But that's all for another post. Perhaps later today, or tomorrow. Trust me, it's a whole entry unto itself (One that has been writing itself in my head for a few days now). Instead, I leave you with this, if it doesn't declare the sovereignty of God, well... (Fun Fact: This is the Psalm I had been mediating on the morning of the day Dan proposed to me)

Psalm 104 (NASB)

    ¹Bless the LORD, O my soul!
         O LORD my God, You are very great;
         You are clothed with splendor and majesty,
    ²Covering Yourself with light as with a cloak,
         Stretching out heaven like a tent curtain.
    ³He lays the beams of His upper chambers in the waters;
         He makes the clouds His chariot;
         He walks upon the wings of the wind;
    ⁴He makes the winds His messengers,
         Flaming fire His ministers.
    ⁵He established the earth upon its foundations,
         So that it will not totter forever and ever.
    ⁶You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
         The waters were standing above the mountains.
    ⁷At Your rebuke they fled,
         At the sound of Your thunder they hurried away.
    ⁸The mountains rose; the valleys sank down
         To the place which You established for them.
    ⁹You set a boundary that they may not pass over,
         So that they will not return to cover the earth.
    ¹⁰He sends forth springs in the valleys;
         They flow between the mountains;
    ¹¹They give drink to every beast of the field;
         The wild donkeys quench their thirst.
    ¹²Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell;
         They lift up their voices among the branches.
    ¹³He waters the mountains from His upper chambers;
         The earth is satisfied with the fruit of His works.
    ¹⁴He causes the grass to grow for the cattle,
         And vegetation for the labor of man,
         So that he may bring forth food from the earth,
    ¹⁵And wine which makes man's heart glad,
         So that he may make his face glisten with oil,
         And food which sustains man's heart.
    ¹⁶The trees of the LORD drink their fill,
         The cedars of Lebanon which He planted,
    ¹⁷Where the birds build their nests,
         And the stork, whose home is the fir trees.
    ¹⁸The high mountains are for the wild goats;
         The cliffs are a refuge for the shephanim.
    ¹⁹He made the moon for the seasons;
         The sun knows the place of its setting.
    ²⁰You appoint darkness and it becomes night,
         In which all the beasts of the forest prowl about.
    ²¹The young lions roar after their prey
         And seek their food from God.
    ²²When the sun rises they withdraw
         And lie down in their dens.
    ²³Man goes forth to his work
         And to his labor until evening.
    ²⁴O LORD, how many are Your works!
         In wisdom You have made them all;
         The earth is full of Your possessions.
    ²⁵There is the sea, great and broad,
         In which are swarms without number,
         Animals both small and great.
    ²⁶There the ships move along,
         And Leviathan, which You have formed to sport in it.
    ²⁷They all wait for You
         To give them their food in due season.
    ²⁸You give to them, they gather it up;
         You open Your hand, they are satisfied with good.
    ²⁹You hide Your face, they are dismayed;
         You take away their spirit, they expire
         And return to their dust.
    ³⁰You send forth Your Spirit, they are created;
         And You renew the face of the ground.
    ³¹Let the glory of the LORD endure forever;
         Let the LORD be glad in His works;
    ³²He looks at the earth, and it trembles;
         He touches the mountains, and they smoke.
    ³³I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;
         I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.
    ³⁴Let my meditation be pleasing to Him;
         As for me, I shall be glad in the LORD.
    ³⁵Let sinners be consumed from the earth
         And let the wicked be no more
         Bless the LORD, O my soul
         Praise the LORD!

And so it begins...

I have always been a bit slow on the fad front. I don't usually jump on bandwagons too quickly; to be honest, I usually shun the bandwagons as they go rumbling past. When Xanga rolled around I thought, "That's silly, who cares what all these people are posting," and the same happened with Facebook. It was only as I was graduating college that I began to see the merits of social networking - dear friends were scattering to the far corners of Lancaster, PA. Ok, ok, some of us did leave PA behind, including myself. As I ended up in the delightful Bluegrass region of this fair commonwealth I now call home (thanks to my husband's job), the blogs and posts my friends faithfully (and not-so-faithfully) kept up helped me feel a bit less homesick. And yet I never started my own. Blame it on time, or lack thereof, and even desire. I mean, I didn't necessarily want the world reading my thoughts, and I couldn't blame them if they didn't want to be reading my thoughts. Often my thoughts are quite scatter-brained and humorous, mixed in with a bit of the delightful. And then there are the downright depressing ones.

But here I am, blogging. And I will admit to you, if you have somehow stumbled here and are STILL reading, that this venture is entirely selfish - as are most similar endeavors by my esteemed peers. I have come here today and started this blog as a way to hold myself accountable to the anonymous internet!

Many times I begin projects with the greatest aspirations of success. Most of the time I end with half a project sitting around collecting dust - literally and virtually. So here I am, committing myself yet again to a project I feel is somewhat doomed to near-completion. But I am hoping that perhaps forcing myself to make public those things I would rather keep in my closet will be an impetus to sick with it all.

This will be the place I keep updated with workout habits, eating habits, spiritual disciplines, and all manner of otherwise neglected tendencies.

So if you feel the urge to keep on reading, read on, friend. If not, can't say I blame you too much.