Place

Disclaimer: I am so guilty of the following, that I hope you see this not so much as a charge from a guiltless judge, but more of an inner-workings-out of what's going on in my heart right now.

It seems to me that there is a very peculiar inclination of the human heart. We have the tendency to allow place and our sense of home/belonging to rise up in our hearts to a seat of great prominence. We identify ourselves and others with where we are from - which, oddly, may not be where we are living currently. What's one of the first things we ask a new person, or tell someone we've just met - where we're from, where we live. It can be general - New Jersey; regional - North Jersey; or specific - county/town. It seems innocuous and just idle chatter, but why is that what we go for instead of other topics? Why do we care about where people are from?

It's not as if this is a modern phenomenon. All through the Bible, in fact, the general theme for much of it, people are searching for home. Thrown from the Garden of Eden, we are ever wanderers, looking for the place where we belong. We are aliens, not at home here on this earth, but always searching for a place to call our own despite that. Ruth got it right when she left Moab with Naomi because she knew Naomi was more a definition of home than Moab. 

But what happens when we become so attached to where we were that we find ourselves unable to truly live where we are? 

I am always quick to lament the loss of good food - bagels, pizza, Chinese food, and diners do not exist here. At least, not with the quality which I grew up accustomed to eating. (Though, thank the Lord, we have found a good pizza place in Lexington, so I know there may be hope yet.) (And that is not a sarcastic thanks be to God, it's genuine.) And not only food, but The City, the Adirondacks, the Shore. All things irreplaceable. All things I love dearly. All things that are wrapped up in my sense of self. Even things like weather and seasonal patterns of agriculture. Family and friends go without saying.

I become so busy lamenting what I've "lost", that I forget to find the joy in what I've gained. Comparison is the thief of joy, as Teddy so eloquently pointed out, and joy ought to be the desire of our hearts.

But it goes beyond robbing ourselves of joy. It's straight up disobedience. I find myself thinking of Jonah here. He was so determined to not go where God had appointed him to go, that he spent three days and nights in the belly of a great fish. His disobedience led to his suffering greatly. My disobedience and hardened heart has led to my suffering (needlessly, I'd add). By not trusting God that he has brought me to a good place, how my heart has suffered in the throes of self-inflicted sorrow, jealousy, anger, bitterness, and grumbling. When God led my husband to a job 800 miles away from where we were hoping to live, from where our families lived, I can tell you that I channeled my inner Jonah. I suppose it helped that we had no other job offer to persuade us one way or the other, our path was quite clear. But it didn't help. I still grumbled. I still do grumble. Jonah never did "get it" in the end, but I know there's hope for me yet.

The strangest part of this whole problem for me personally is that I am an Anthropology major. I love people and places. I love to travel. My heart has yearned for nearly 20 years to be in Kenya. And yet I hold on to New Jersey like some kind of anchor.

Do you know what anchors do? My five year old told me about an imaginary anchor that would float in the air. Then she started laughing hysterically and proclaimed how silly that would be! Do you know why? Because even a child knows that anchors do not float. Anchors sink, grab hold of the bottom, and stop the ship. Even a very great ship is held by an anchor properly placed. Anchors, however, can be hauled up and put down in new ports.

There should be no anchors in my life that keep me from moving forward. Forward in the direction I ought to go. Forward without grumbling or complaining. Forward to the far horizons.

New places do not mean that old places aren't important. But we can not physically live in two places at once, and our hearts shouldn't strive to either. 

Ebenezers are stones of remembrance, erected under the direction of the Lord, to ensure we don't forget His goodness and faithfulness. They are used to help us teach our children as we pass by them. The old places do not need to be forgotten, but Ebenezers are not meant to be idols.

The places we have come from have influenced us, formed our view of life and our place in it, but we should not confuse that with our inherent worth and self. By rejecting the new places, and honoring the old, we take the gift God has given us, and rob it of the joy with which it was given. Once again, our pride and disobedience declares that we know better, and that everything would be much better, if only He had let us stay right where we were before. For pete's sake, even the Israelites, after escaping from Egypt, declared it would have been better to remain slaves that be brought to die in the desert. But they didn't die then, they were saved.

By remaining obedient and faithful, trusting the Lord's wisdom and not our own, we can start to let go of the petty things that seem so important - food, fairs, cities, mountains, and beaches - and begin to appreciate the good things we have here and now. Wherever we may lay our head at night becomes home simply because we remember that our home isn't here anyway.

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling" 

2 Corinthians 5:1,2

Off

Sometimes you just need to take a break from the everyday and have a little time off. For Dan, that day was Friday. Work has been extremely stressful for him lately - which is a blessing, of course, in its own way - but still. If you have a job, it can stress you out and you need time off. And that's that.

But, I will tell you that I did not take a day off from running. Despite my weariness and really not wanting to go, I went to the indoor track. But I didn't get as far as I would normally. It was rough, and a bit discouraging. Yesterday, thanks to glorious weather granted by the Lord, Dan and I both went running. He ran to the park, while I drove the kids over, then he played at the playground with them while I ran through the park. Let me tell you something:

Outdoor running on the hills is not easy. I thought I was going to pass out a time or two, no exaggeration. I was relieved to see a police officer parked in one of the lots because I thought, "Well, if I really start to feel bad, I'm heading there for help". Not sure if it's good to have an escape route or not while running, but it made me feel better. On the way home, and for the rest of the evening, the whole right side of my chest felt tight and a bit constricted. Come to think of it, if I'm going to keep running, I ought to get myself an inhaler again. I think I gave my last one away to my younger brother when he was down back in September. Hmm. Yes, it does help to breathe properly.

You know how sometimes you just feel off? Something isn't right, though you can't put your finger on it, and it usually exerts itself throughout your whole body - spirit, mind, and physical well-being all seem to suffer. I've felt that way lately. My head has been feeling light and disconnected, sore back and neck muscles, and my mind seems unable to focus on anything at all. So if anyone talks to me, I apologize if I seem like some kind of space cadet. I'm not sure what's going on right now. (and you can probably tell it in this horrible writing. I'm barely able to bring myself to even post this, but I have to... because, well, that's the point)

But I'll tell you this, it's frustrating me to no end. For one thing, I need every mental faculty I have to keep tabs on my two rambunctious munchkins. Not to mention it makes I shudder at the thought of running or working out because of it. But the real kicker is how it is bringing down my spirit, and that is not something I take lightly.

You see, many moons ago, when I was but a wee babe in the Pleistocene Era... Ok, well, not that long ago, but long enough that I feel able to talk about it publicly in this way... I went through some very dark times. Very little mattered to me, though very few knew or could tell. And now, as an older, wiser (ha), more mature (ha again!) adult (oh gracious me, I'm an adult), I can recognize signs that I am slipping into a melancholy. Those melancholy times are scant skipping stones to the deeper depression that I know I can be dragged into with a despondent and discontent spirit. This is one reason why I take discouragement very much to heart. And then why I also take true joy and encouragement to heart as well.

Some of you may never know the true joy my heart feels when you share even a simple word with me, whether through email, phone call, facebook or in person. There are so many people who have often held me strong when I found myself floundering to remember my Creator and Sustainer - people who have taken my chin and lifted up my face to look into His. What few people know is that even if I have not talked to them in far too long, they are still in my heart and when I see them again I know that I will still feel that incredible affection I felt before. My friends are my friends for life, and more often than not, family in the truest and deepest sense of the word.

So I ask you, friends, for one thing. Pray for me. Pray that I might be relieved of this despondent spirit. Pray that am able to find comfort in the Savior. Pray that my heart and mind are protected from the darkness which seeks to draw me down and attack me when I feel physically unable to fight.

Nevers

Sometimes a bit of nostalgia is good. It can remind us of all those wonderful moments we've shared with friends, particular blessings we've been given from the Lord and push us on to continue hoping for better things. But memories can also haunt us if we allow them. It's as if they tap us on the shoulder, taunting us and saying, "Look how you were, you will be here again." Nightmares don't speak to you with words like "may" or "possible." They speak in definite terms - will, must, have to, are. That's why they are so paralyzing for so many. For all? I don't know. I suppose there are some people who have never succumbed to the fear and mastery of bad memories and nightmares, but I haven't heard.

I'm not usually a fearful person, but I can assure you there are many things in my past that I would rather not have to deal with again. Ever. But memory can be unkind when spurred on by those seeking our destruction and discouragement. And often I'm the one spurring them on to bigger reality than they deserve. How often are we all the enemies seen in the shadows?

It takes 11.5 laps to complete 1 mile at the indoor track of our community center. Since I'm no longer focused on trying to stay warm (like when I was torturing myself, uh, I mean... running outdoors), my mind begins to wander. It has become a time when I can plan dinner, sing songs in my head, contemplate those great questions of life (like how to get that half lap in since the track hangs over the gym). And prayer. I admit those prayers are usually something along the lines of: "Father, please strengthen these legs and let me just get past the older gentleman without collapsing into his arms" or "Help me to not fall over the rails into that pile of middle school boys playing basketball down there. It could hurt us all. A lot".

But I've come to realize it also gives me a greater opportunity - time to pray for those that I otherwise find myself forgetting in the busy day to day, and time to ponder what I may have been studying this week. One of my favorite books has become The Valley of Vision: A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions. Its pages are filled with wonderful prayers that often cut quickly to the heart, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone.

Here is one I've been thinking on quite a lot recently:

THE 'NEVERS' OF THE GOSPEL

O LORD,

May I,

   never fail to come to the knowledge of the truth,

   never rest in a system of doctrine, however scriptural,

      that does not bring or further salvation,

      or teach me to deny ungodliness and worldly lusts,

      or hel me to live soberly, righteously, godly;

   never rely on my own convictions and resolutions,

      but be strong in thee and in they might;

   never cease to find thy grace sufficient

       in all my duties, trials, and conflicts;

   never forget to repair to thee

      in all my spiritual distresses and outward troubles,

      in all the dissatisfactions experienced in creature comforts;

   never fail to retreat to him who is full of grace and truth,

      the friend that loveth at all tiems,

      who is touched with feelings of my infirmities,

      and can do exceeding abundantly for me;

   never confine my religion to extraordinary occasions,

      but acknowledge thee in all my ways;

   never limit my devotions to particular seasons

      but be in they fear all the day long;

   never be godly only on the sabbath or in thy house,

      but on every day abroad and at home;

   never make piety a dress but a habit,

      not only a habit but a nature,

      not only a nature but a life.

Do good to me by all thy dispensations,

                        by all means of grace,

                        by worship, prayers, praises,

And at last let me enter that world where is no temple,

      but only they glory and the Lamb's.

I never thought I'd run for anything except food, or the bathroom, or my life. I never thought I'd start a blog. I never want to revisit painful memories. But in light of the prayer, are there not better Nevers that should replace the others? So let me run, and blog about it, and every so often revisit those memories if only to return to the Lord's grace.